'Blessed'

In just a few weeks, I'm taking a vacation with my best friend and going to Denmark for about 4 days. Then in November, I'm travelling with my mom's church on a week and a half pilgrimage to Israel. Lately, in telling people this, their response has been that I'm 'SO blessed!' In fact, people say this to me often, and while I agree that the circumstances of my life in this season yield to some not-so-common opportunities, I think people forget, or simply don't know, that getting here and being here has not been easy at all.

Following God does not happen without sacrifice, and I have certainly made sacrifices to be where I am today, as I'm sure many of you have.

I have left all of my family and my best friend behind, as well as many other great friends.
I have lost people along the way.
I have given up receiving a salary.
I have given up having a home of my own.
I have given up my home nation, the comfort of my own culture, and I've now given up England (for a time) as well.
I have moved 6 times in 6 years (and am about to move again in less than two months).
And I have given up conveniences like driving and having a clothes dryer at my disposal.

Those might not seem like big things, but they are.

Not having a car, in fact not being allowed to drive in this country, means that I have to rely on public transport or a friend with a car in order to have much of a life. Deciding for myself when I'm going anywhere is a thing of the past. I have to work on other people's timetables. Whatever groceries I buy I get to carry in my back pack at least twice a week from the supermarket to my house. It's a 30 minute walk.

Not having a dryer means having to plan ahead when I'm going to do laundry so that I have a full 24 hours for my clothes to dry (or a really lucky and rare sunny few hours). Washing and drying clothes in an hour or two does not happen any more.

Money isn't a huge thing for me. Books and coffee is where I spend my money. And I have some incredibly generous people who support me and the work I do here. I have not gone without. But I don't know how long I will be able to live off of the support of others. What about planning for the future? What about thinking ahead to retirement? Honestly, I can't right now.

For the last 6 years I have lived in other people's homes, and while I am incredibly grateful for the hospitality I have received from so many, can you imagine living in a house that doesn't belong to you or your family? Having to learn the culture of another person/group of people, adapting your lifestyle to fit with theirs, trying to establish a relationship with strangers while already living with them? I've done this over and over again and it doesn't seem to get any easier.

I moved away from the country and culture I've known my whole life. As much as I desired to live in the UK, it's very different and the culture shock took a while to adjust to. There are still comforts of home that I miss and probably always will. In addition, moving to Ireland was something I truly believe God led me to do. He spoke very clearly about it. And I obeyed and walked through that door when He opened it. But I miss England; it was where I always wanted to be and I love being there still. Hopefully I will get to live there again at some point.

Moving so often has meant that I continually begin building community, yet I don't actually have enough time to solidify it before I'm moving again and starting over. It means those people I just met, I'm saying goodbye to before there's enough time for me to establish a real, maintainable connection with them. It also means that I haven't actually had a sense of community in several years (Thank you to my Walsall family for being community for me!).

People who have meant the most to me over the years I have had to say goodbye to multiple times, and some, I've had to say goodbye to indefinitely. We won't get into that, but sometimes goodbye is permanent.

In one very hard season of my life, after I had spent an initial year in England, I returned to America, not knowing if I would ever return to the UK, but desperately wanting to. I felt then that almost everything I loved had been taken from me, that I'd been forced to give up the things and the people I cared about most. And there was a scripture verse that God used to really encourage me during that time.

Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or parents or brothers or wife or children, for the sake of the Kingdom of God, who shall not receive many times more in this present time, and in the age to come eternal life. -Luke 18:29

This is still my hope and a promise that I cling to. I've left a lot of things behind for the sake of following God where He's led me, and I believe there are things He wants to give me in the coming days. There are desires of my heart that are still unmet, things I continually lay on the altar before Him, things I've been waiting to receive for a long time. And still I wait. That's not easy.  It's a struggle, a daily one. But Jesus is Emmanuel, God with us, and if I am blessed, it is because He walks with me through it all, providing what I need, which is sometimes truth, comfort and encouragement when all I see is lack. No, it's not easy. But with Him, I can do this. And I trust that one day, He will meet every desire He has placed within me. All I have to do is keeping following.

Waves of Grief

Almost 5 years ago I lost a really good friend. Not to death, just relationally. And while that might not seem like a big deal, it really was to me. That friendship was one of the most significant friendships of my life and I suffered a lot when it ended.  It was really intense for me and the pain lasted a lot longer than I expected it to, but very gradually, that pain settled into waves of grief, coming less frequently, coming less intensely.

But today a wave hit me and it hit hard. Nothing happened that I'm aware of to trigger it, but today has been significantly difficult, like a wave of grief has washed over me.

I don't know much about grief. This is the only instance where I've really experienced it. But I *think* the best thing to do when hit by a wave is just to let it come. I think fighting against it won't help. I think acting on it isn't wise. I think letting it come and then go is probably the best thing to do. So that's what I'm doing. I'm thanking God for the sweet times and trusting Him with the pain and choosing to believe that He works all things together for good.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. -Psalm 27:13

The Side of Love

It's not often I think to myself 'I'm watching history in the making.' But tonight I did. I started following the BBC on Facebook recently and they posted a video about protests in Barcelona in response to Carles Puigdemont's arrest in Germany where he'll stay until his extradition order is processed.

It reminds me of King Charles II of England running for his life in the middle of the night only to be caught and executed. It's easy to read that from a distance of several hundred years and only consider the events historically. But the English Civil War was real for the people of the day, and what's happening in Spain is real for them as well. Just as what is happening in America is real for these brave students who are protesting and demanding better government. Things are heating up; they have been and they will continue to escalate.

It makes me think it's time to decide where I stand. For so long I've refused to take a side or voice an opinion on things, partly because I can see from so many different perspectives so it's hard to pick just one, but also partly because people are so opinionated and usually they're very passionate about their opinions (and the louder they get the more annoyed I get). I don't want to argue. But I want to know what I think and why I think that. I want to know where I land. And I want the place I land to be the side of Love.

Am I for or against greater gun control? I'm for Life, so you tell me. Where do I stand on the situation in Spain? Am I for or against an independent Catalonia? I'm for the people who live there, for those who need to know Truth, Freedom, Hope and Peace, all of those things that come wrapped up in a beautiful man named Jesus.

So that's where I stand, on the side of Jesus and on the side of Love.

Late Night Musing

There seem to be an awful lot of ENFPs in my life lately. I wonder if God's trying to teach me something...? :) #creativity #freedom

Now and Not Yet

On Sunday, one of my friends asked to pray for me at church and he prophesied over me about a new season coming for me, the season of Spring.

Last night, I was at small group and we did a prophetic activity where you take magazines and cut out photos you feel God is highlighting to you in order to create a vision board. The thing is that the vision board isn't for you; it's for someone else in the room, but you don't know who. I'm not going to go into the details of how to do that, but I will say it worked and God was very clearly speaking to us. On the vision board created for me, it had a cloud and the words 'When: Right now,' meant to be reminiscent of when Elijah prayed for rain and finally, his servant saw a cloud the size of a man's hand and very quickly, the rain came and it was a lot of rain!

I've been receiving prophetic words for about a year and a half about experiencing joy upon joy, surprises, a massive gift, and now Spring and rain. I understand them, but I'm having trouble believing them. When you've prayed for something for so long and you cannot see any hint of it on the horizon, it makes sense that your brain would deny that that thing is about to show up in your life. But I don't want my brain to deny it. I want to receive those words and stand on them. I want to be excited about what God has for me and expectant that He will fulfil the desires of my heart. But I'm so tired of disappointment I'm not quite sure how to do that.

Lately I've been in quite a positive place, enjoying life and work and friendships, not thinking much about the future, which is strange for me. I'm usually quite future-oriented, always looking to the next thing. And although there are changes ahead for me which I'm excited about, I'm still very present right now, which is good. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't really know how to be present and future oriented. I don't know how to be content with what I have now and excited about what God is saying He will do (despite my lack of vision). Yeah, I just don't really get how to walk in the tension of the now and the not-yet.

It's All About Love

I don't really know what to write about today. It's not that nothing's happened, but I'm struggling to put today into words. 'What was the most significant part of my day?' Maybe that question will jog some thoughts. Well, we had ESOM this morning, as is usual for a Tuesday. We spent the entire time listening to each others' stories from recent mission trips. A few weeks ago, the interns split up for special trips, one group went to Carlisle, one to London and one to Norway. It was amazing to hear how God met each group in their circumstances and how they shared His love with people. Most of our interns talked about how they gave specific and accurate prophetic words to people or how they had words of knowledge for people or about how they prayed for people and they got healed. But it was so cool because at the end of our time together, the last people to share about their trips really just brought it back around to what's most important: LOVE. Love is such a catalyst for change and giving people an opportunity to encounter God and experience His presence, well, that's love right there. We can operate in such a high level of prophecy, we can move in signs and wonders, but if we don't have love, we're 'nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate,' so says The Message. And that's what I experienced in Belfast last weekend. It was Love that led the church to share God's heart with people on a day historically known for drunkenness and violence. It was Love that caused our leaders to weep over their community before we went out. It was Love that filled my heart and compelled me to speak and act and be Jesus to people I don't know and may never see again in this life. And that's what it's all about.

Last Weekend in Belfast

This past weekend I had the beautiful privilege of going to Belfast to join our team there for a special mission day for St. Patrick's Day. I'll let the photos do the talking, but the team definitely made the most of the celebration to interact with young adults in the community! St. Patrick's Day is obviously significant to the Irish, but it has often been a day for drunkenness, violence and division. What we saw however were mostly bored young adults who'd started drinking by 10am (if not the night before) and only had plans to watch Ireland beat England in rugby and then go out and party some more. That in turn provided a bit of opportunity to talk with people as they really had no agenda for the day, with plenty of time for us to share God's love with them.  It was a cold day for sure though and the free hots drinks we provided passersby were also incentive for people to stop and chat with us. 

 The Belfast team--2 Americans and a Brazilian

Joseph dressed as a leprechaun, which drew attention to us and gave us an opportunity to talk with people. He also quite creatively used chocolate gold coins as part of his costume which he then used to tell people the parable of the Lost Coin, sharing with them that they are precious to God in the same way the lost coin was precious to the woman in the story. It was really clever!

Some of the young adults we met along the way. St. Patrick's Day is definitely an excuse to go a bit crazy!

Emily & Paula trying to keep warm while serving people hot drinks!

This guy hung out near us for hours! Sometimes chatting with us or sitting with some friends across the street, but I think he was out in the cold with us from beginning to end. 

Some of the young adults our team work with who joined us for the mission day.

Serving hot drinks to anyone who passed by! #loveisahotdrinkonacoldday

On Sunday, I got to join the team at their church for the morning service, which the young adults led entirely! It was so cool to see them prep, lead worship and preach the sermon, sharing their youthful enthusiasm with their church family!

Me hanging out in the team's office as they helped their young adults prepare for Sunday.

These two lovely ladies preached together on Sunday morning. The one on the right has grown incredibly since the team arrived in September. She was very shy and hesitant at first, but she continued to step out of her comfort zone and push herself and she now joins the team on outreach, praying for people and she's started preaching!

They did such a great job!

Young adults leading the way :)

Paula serving, as usual!

Emily and her mentee

Young adults who are advancing the Kingdom in Belfast!

Find the Problem

This morning as I was doing some routine Communications tasks that don't require a whole lot of brain power, I was listening to a podcast from a series my line-manager recommended to me called Building a Story Brand and one of the speakers said something that caught my attention. He said that the inability to identify problems well is the root of depression. I had to rewind and listen to it again. Yep, that's what he said. He went on to say that there is a specific kind of therapy called 'Problem Solving Therapy' and that often people fail to recognise what the problem is; it's not even about finding a solution yet. It's the problem that needs to be found. Wow, that makes so much sense to me.

Depression is not something I personally struggle with, but when I'm in an uncomfortable or stressful situation, I often find that my mind continually repeats things that have been said and experienced in that situation; it's like my thoughts are rolling around in a tumble dryer that just keeps going. And my brain is busy trying to connect the dots and find the pattern, to recognise what's going on. Now I realise I'm actually trying to find the problem. Because when a problem is identified, finding a solution is rarely difficult. The challenging task is to realise what the problem is. I think that fits in with what I was saying yesterday, that we often know the right thing to do, but we need to help ourselves out by asking the right questions so we can get to the solution. We ask those questions so we can identify the problem. I've never thought of it like that.

Help Yourself Out

I finally took the time to read and respond to my friend who sent me her sample blog post and I gave her some feedback. I have to laugh at myself now though as I clearly understand what's important in setting up a great blog and what needs to be included and what pitfalls to avoid, but I don't actually do those things myself.

How often in life do we know the right thing to do, but we don't do it? The feedback I gave my friend was not revolutionary. She probably could have thought through all that herself. But she asked me. I often do the same when it comes to life.

I find myself in situations and feel I don't really know what to do. I feel like I need someone to give me wisdom. (To be honest, I sometimes think through who I could ask and come up with no one. Then I'm reminded that the Holy Spirit is our Counsellor, so I talk to Him. And He gives great advice!) Even though I think I often give others pretty good advice and ask provoking questions to help them find a solution to their problem, when it comes to my own life, this doesn't seem to be the case.

But every once in a while, it is. Sometimes I choose to be very intentional to talk to myself as I would a friend, to remove myself mentally from my situation and ask the questions I would ask if someone else came to me with this problem, to give myself the feedback I would offer to another and usually I'm quite surprised at what I come up with.

I think, in general, we often know the right thing to do or to say, but perhaps it needs some drawing out, some provocation to help bring it to the surface, to the forefront of our mind where we can see practically what we need to do and how. I think we're much more intelligent and capable than we give ourselves credit for, but maybe we just need to be more intentional to help ourselves out.

The One Thing

One of the privileges of my job is mentoring my Media Assistant. In addition to the mentoring we do for work, we are going through The One Thing by Gary Keller. This is a great book about 'the simple truth behind extraordinary results' and we're loving it. It's been so encouraging to chat through Keller's ideas and how we can be more effective and more efficient in how we do what we do. Today we discussed the lies of Multitasking and that 'Everything Matters Equally' (everything on your to-do list, that is), including Pareto's Principle that says that 80 percent of your results come from 20 percent of the work you do. Consider that! This is a great book if you're looking to streamline what you're doing in work and/or life to get the best results you can!

Find it on Amazon here!

Just Write

Last week a friend sent me a sample blog post to read and asked me to give her feedback because she's thinking of creating a blog and wants to develop the discipline of writing. And I felt convicted.

I know I'm supposed to write. It's a calling on my life. I even received a powerful prophetic word about it a few weeks ago. But to be honest, I get so overwhelmed with what to write, I rarely end up actually doing it. There are just so many options of things I could write about. And then there's the actual effort and energy that go into getting those half-thoughts/images/emotions out of my head and into words that make sense to other people. When I simply start thinking about writing about something, the amount of work involved (for me) makes me tired from the outset. But I think, like learning and growing in anything, it's about strength-training. The more you do something, the more you can do.

So I had the idea yesterday that I would write (on here) every day at lunch time. Maybe even before I eat lunch so that I have to earn my food. Haha. I don't know why this has been so difficult for me; maybe I think about things too much and need to realise that I don't need to have every thought, idea, expression planned out perfectly. Maybe I just need to do it. So, prepare yourself, because I have no idea what's coming. It will probably be an imperfect smattering of the aspects that make up my life right now, a mess of thoughts and emotions that I will try to convey coherently, and if you want to read it and are able to get anything out of it, so much the better!

Pressed into Truth

Do you remember the post I wrote last week, Overlooked and Unconsidered?

Yesterday, during part of our ministry training, we had some space to pray for each other, and I felt like God was saying to me, 'You know how you feel? This guy over here, it's the same with him,' and the whole half hour, I couldn't shake that off me. Normally, I would go share what God said to me about someone with that person, but I wasn't willing to in the moment because I didn't have the solution; I couldn't find the encouragement in it.

So I said back to God, 'Ok, but what's the answer?' I thought, maybe we're both experiencing this, but how is it in any way encouraging for me to say that to him? If I asked him if he felt like this too, and he said yes, what was I suppose to say to that? 'Uh, me too. Sucks, right?' That's all I had.

As the conversation with God continued, though, He gave me some insight. He told me it's a safety check. Feeling overlooked and unconsidered, not receiving the recognition and praise of man where I perhaps think I should or would like to, is meant to keep my heart in alignment with His. It begs the question, 'WHY am I doing this? WHO am I doing this for?' I have to keep reminding myself, I stand before an audience of One and I am here to bring Him glory, not to make a name for myself. Any gifts I have were given to me by God and they aren't gifts for me; they're for the Body and they're for the lost.

So that's what I shared with this guy, although nowhere near as clearly as I've written it here. To be honest, I don't think I would have pushed into hearing God's heart about this had I not felt someone else was experiencing the same thing. I would have simply left the complaint on His doorstep, content with trying not to feel sorry for myself. How kind of God to press me on it (He did; I really couldn't shake it), wanting to share truth with me, rather than just allowing the conversation to trail off without me understanding part of His heart for me in it. His words have brought me such clarity and peace and I'm really thankful for that.

In re-reading my previous post and considering some of the people who I believe are easily overlooked--a lot of us are background people; we're not in your face, we're not forceful, we just get on with what we've been given to do. And my encouragement to you is, if you know someone like this, encourage them! Let them know that what they contribute is significant! Help them feel like they're seen and heard and appreciated for who they are and what God has put inside them. And don't just say it; think about how you can action it. One of the best compliments is when someone asks me to use one of my gifts to help them!

Here's a short video I found today from Paul Scanlon about the value of hidden seasons. It encouraged me in this so I hope it will encourage you if and when you find yourself in that season.

Healing on the Streets

Yahweh is a healer. I know that. He is Jehovah Rapha. But what happened today was not what I was expecting.

Here's the story, with a little bit of important background:

Two weeks ago I moved to the north coast of Ireland! I am able to continue doing the work I've been doing with Pais, work I love so much, and I get to be part of a great Vineyard church. The church here have their own internship, and I get to participate in that as well. In addition to the teaching sessions for this internship, we have opportunities to do outreach each week in the city. My host has a huge passion for something they do called 'Healing on the Streets,' and being curious to experience this, I asked if I could tag along and do outreach with them today.

At 10:30 this morning, the Healing on the Streets team set out 6 chairs and a banner, we gathered to pray, and then we were open for business. The church have been doing Healing on the Streets every Saturday for 12 years, so the town is used to this happening. People all over the city know it happens every week, and people from other areas around Northern Ireland will drive, sometimes hours, to be prayed for here.

The idea is simple. People who need physical healing come, they sit in the chairs, we ask how we can pray for them, and we pray. Nothing weird or fantastical, just the simple power of prayer in the middle of the town centre. It's beautiful.

During a lull in our prayer time this morning, the team gave me the opportunity to receive prayer, partly so I could experience it for myself from the other side, but also, I had a physical need I wanted prayer for.

I don't even know when it happened, but I know the first time I experienced it I was about 12. There was something wrong with my back, and at that young age, it 'went out' for about three days. The pain came out of the blue one day at school. I was getting my massive stack of textbooks from my locker, and all of a sudden, I couldn't move. My mom, the nurse, put me on bedrest and anti-inflammatories for three days and it seemed to be fine after that. But for some years now, I've found that if I stood too long without walking or sitting, especially in bad shoes, pain would flair up in my back again and I would be in agony. I learned how to deal with it, what would set it off and how to manage it, but to be honest, it had become a hindrance, and it was painful!

So this morning, my host and one of the leaders sat before me as I sat in the chair, and the leader asked me some questions about the pain. She made me stretch out my legs in front of her, wondering aloud if my problem was sciatica. When I stretched out my legs and compared them, they looked normal to me, like they always had. I didn't see anything wrong. But when she prayed, and I put my feet down on the ground and then stretched them out again, I saw that my left leg had been a tiny bit shorter than my right leg. Now, I know this happens frequently; one leg will appear shorter than the other, and it's an issue of alignment with the body, but I never suspected this was my problem. But right there before my eyes I saw how my feet aligned where they hadn't before. The leader asked me to get up and walk on it, and it felt different. In fact, for the rest of the afternoon, I could feel a difference in my entire leg and in my hip and I found myself even walking differently on the way home. It was such a blessing and I am so relieved and thankful to not have that pain and hindrance affecting me anymore!

Yep, our God is a healer!

Overlooked and Unconsidered

Blessed are you when people overlook you and constantly forget to consider you. 

That’s not in the Sermon on the Mount, but perhaps it should be. Perhaps if God wrote a Sermon on the Mount particularly addressed to me, that would be in there. This is something I feel I’ve always experienced and am really getting to the point where enough is enough. I’m tired of being overlooked and unconsidered. The problem is, I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not a particularly loud or forceful person (unless I’m laughing), which is perhaps why it’s sometimes so easy for people to forget about me or what I contribute or add value to. I'm mostly a background kind of person, and that’s ok with me so far as not receiving public recognition for what I do. I don’t need that. But when it comes to people remembering that I do actually contribute significant things to what we're doing together and should be considered in decisions that are made, I feel like they often don’t until I say something. But why is that? 

In my pity party as I was processing feeling overlooked and unconsidered recently, my mind did actually turn to Isaiah 53. It says that ‘we esteemed Him not.’ The NLT says ‘We turned our backs on Him and looked the other way…we did not care.’ But I know this passage and that’s not all it says we did or that He endured. Suffice it to say, my pity party was cut short. That does not mean, however, that my feelings were not valid. They were. It simply means, He endured more, therefore I could (and can!) endure this. 

So, what do I do about this? I don't know. The only practical advice I can give myself right now is to use it, to take the realisation that I don’t like how I feel when others overlook me or don’t consider me when they make decisions and do my best to intentionally consider and appreciate those around me.

Any thoughts?

A Call to Dare Young People

Last week I had the very great privilege of writing for Hannah's Plea. Even reading it back I get goosebumps--a sure sign that these are not my words. Check it out here: Hannah's Plea

Seasons Change

On Sunday I was sitting in a Hillsong church listening to a well-known guest speaker talk about 1 Kings 19. As the speaker announced the passage for his message, I instantly remembered that exactly four years ago, I was sitting in a Hillsong church listening to a well-known guest speaker talk about 1 Kings 19. I don't often remember sermons, let alone where I was when I heard them, and especially not the date that I heard them, but that Sunday in May 2013 was a significant day for me. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

That's not the point of this post though. The point is, that little jolt I received on Sunday (and it was a powerful little nudge) got me thinking about the last four years of my life. They have NOT at all been what I thought they would be, or what I wanted. And today I was thinking about what I used to want.

I used to want what I called the 'Christian girl American dream'--uni, relationship, graduation, marriage, house, kids. That was what I wanted. Or what I thought I wanted. Perhaps even what I had convinced myself I wanted. But that's not what I got.

Since graduating from uni, my life has been...unexpected. Yeah, nothing's really gone according to whatever plans I might have had. I've done various things--jobs, grad school, even taking a 'year out,' and now working abroad as a missionary for no money. This was not the life I had in mind for myself. It wasn't what I wanted. In fact, it was what I didn't want.

Part of my testimony is that growing up as a Christian, I loved God, but I didn't fully give my life to Him until I was 17, and the reason I held back for so long was because I didn't want to be a missionary. I thought God would make me become a missionary and He would make me go to Africa. So I refused to completely surrender my life to Him, until one night at a Campus Crusade for Christ convention where the Holy Spirit turned everything upside down.

Eventually I figured out that God doesn't make us do anything, but He invites us to do so much with Him. When I was 20, I did go to Africa--I GOT to go to Africa, and later on, I did become a missionary. It's my honour and privilege to be working with a missions organisation in a country across the sea. I love it and I'm so glad God gave me the opportunity and impetus to do something I never would have chosen to do on my own.

That leads me back to the last four years. Yes, they have been incredibly unexpected. This four-year season began with what for me was deep and profound pain, which to be honest, broke me, and that was followed by an unbelievably slow healing process. In that process though, God began to put me back together, but He put me together differently than I was before, which I suppose was the whole reason in allowing me to be broken in the first place.

Because I was so broken, I made a decision I would never have made before and I joined Pais. I was so desperate to be in the UK and so desperate to do something meaningful with my life, that I made it all the way through what seemed a very lengthy application process to join this organisation I didn't actually want to join. Somehow though, I got accepted and I boarded a plane to my future.

At the time, it was an 18-month commitment, but now, more than 3 years later, I'm still here. I'm here and I've done some hard work (including some hard heart work) serving on and leading schools teams in different areas in the UK. I never could have or would have done that before being broken. But I did it, and now I've done it, and sometimes I look back and wonder how I did it, but it was purely the grace of God that got me through it all. Now I get to serve Pais, an organisation I love, with skills that God has given me and in a way I enjoy on a daily basis. I love that. And I've gotten to do it here, in the UK, a place my heart longed for for such a long time.

But things are changing. They do that, don't they? Seasons change; that's the way nature works. Cycles come full circle, old things end and new things begin. This is how I feel, that this four-year season is coming to an end; this season that began traumatically for me and the healing process that has lasted much longer than I anticipated it would, is coming to a close. And for that, I am beyond grateful.

I have no idea what the next season will look like for me. I know where I will be--in a new place, which is incredibly exciting--but I don't know much else. All I know is something God has spoken to me several times, twice even through other people: this will be a season of joy. It's the Word of the Lord to me, and as it's His promise, I'm banking on it. I am thanking Him now and walking forward with open eyes and an open heart into whatever it is that He has for me, and I'm trusting that whatever it is, whoever is involved, wherever it leads me, no matter what, because He has orchestrated it for me, IT WILL BE GOOD. Amen?

What She Needs

Tonight as I was putting away the dishes in the kitchen, I started thinking about a friend, her work situation, her friendship situation, how things are going for her at the moment and about what she needs in her life. And then I stopped myself. Normally, I would have let myself continue, pondering what I think is best for her in her life, but tonight was different. As soon as I thought to myself 'She needs _______,' I realized that even though she is my friend, I have no right to decide, even in my own mind, what she needs. She is an adult, a Godly woman who is an active part of the church and our community. There is no reason why I need to determine what she needs in her life.

I think the reason I stopped myself so quickly tonight is because of my own reaction when people think they have the right to decide (& verbalize!) what I need in my life. As much as I know people love me and just want the best for me, they don't always know what that is, even if they think they do. It's kinda funny because, to be honest, I am still trying to figure out ME and it's not always easy. In different seasons I need different things and sometimes, I just need to be left alone to figure out what those things are and given space to try various things to see what works and what doesn't. I'm a complex human being, as we all are, and as I spend more time with myself than anyone else and am the only one inside this body with access to this energy and these thoughts and emotions, I think I probably have a better sense of what I need than anyone else. So, what I need is for people to trust me to know what I need.

And that's the conclusion I came to tonight about my friend, that I need to trust her to know what she needs. Perhaps what I can help her with is providing that for her or helping her get it when she communicates what it is, and I'm happy to do that if I can. I know that I hope others would do the same for me if they too found themselves thinking about what they think I need.

The Heart of the Matter

One of my favourite people a thousand years ago was a guy from Poland who I met in England. In general, his English was good, but every once in a while, he would say something wrong. My favourite thing he said wrong was 'Neither I' instead of 'Me neither,' and I never corrected him because, even though it was wrong, it was so endearing that I didn't want him to stop saying it.

To be honest, I'm really bad about correcting people who speak English as a second language, and I try to tell them this upfront if they ask me to help them. The thing is, although of course I notice when they say things wrong (and something within me slightly cringes when they do), I'm more concerned with the content of what they're saying than how they're actually saying it. The specific words they're using are a tool to communicate to me what they're thinking and feeling. What I'm primarily concerned with is the truth of what they're experiencing and what they're trying to communicate, not the way they communicate it.

As I was brushing my teeth tonight, I was thinking about this, about all the times my friends who speak English as a second language get things wrong but I don't mind so much because I'm more concerned with what's behind that, and, perhaps strangely, it made me think about God's heart for us. Yeah, we do things wrong. We fall short. We mess up. Every single one of us. And usually, we feel some measure of embarrassment, guilt, conviction or condemnation when we do. But what if God is looking at us the same way I'm listening to my friends--not super concerned with the little blips and bumps when we get it wrong, but really wanting to get to what's behind all that? What if our little messes (that may be piling up into bigger messes at times) aren't so important to Him and what He really cares about is what's underneath them, and what they're communicating to Him about the heart of the matter? And the heart of the matter that He really wants to get to, the thing He is primarily concerned about, the most important thing to Him really, is actually the state of our hearts.

Well, there's an interesting thought for tonight. I'm gonna go ponder that a little bit more.

Tired of Saying Goodbye

Perhaps writing a blog post right now is not a great idea because I'm really tired and a little bit ill; I'm probably going to be slightly more honest here than I normally would be. I hope you appreciate the vulnerability--here's my heart.

Last weekend I was talking to a friend who is currently in her first year on Pais and I was trying to describe how strange it is after graduation, when you and your team members go your separate ways. It's something we all go through here on Pais--doing life every day with the same 2-4 people for 10 months--getting to know each other, working together, eating together, praying together, traveling together, some teams living together, and then, all of a sudden, you've graduated, you get on a plane, and your life is completely different. Even if you come back for a second year, your life goes on. And their lives go on. Maybe you stay in touch. For the good friends, effort will be made to visit each other, especially for those who stay in Europe. But it's not easy. Eventually, the geographical distance becomes relational distance and those people who were once 'your people,' aren't even in the picture frame any more. Things change so much and you wonder what happened. The answer: life.

I learned this the hard way--the heartbreakingly hard way--when the world I had created for myself my first year in England seemed to completely vanish into thin air. I spent a year creating this world, but then I had to leave. I got on a plane, and the next morning when I woke up back in America, I felt like the entire year before had been a dream, and 'my people' who were all together on the other side of the ocean, were unreachable. I wasn't in that world anymore. They weren't in mine either. And the only window into that world I left behind was technology, technology that showed me my friends without me. I felt like Alice Through the Looking Glass, looking at something I felt I should be a part of but there was nothing I could do to get back there. So I had to let it go and I had to let them go. And that was SO hard.

Then I joined Pais and got to say goodbye many more times. I've had three teams so far on Pais that I've had to say goodbye to. It's never easy. And this year, this year it's not my team but a whole year of Pais apprentices I will have to say goodbye to. Obviously, some will be easier than others (no names! haha). But some are going to be freaking hard. And the more I think about it, the more I think, 'I don't know how much longer I can do this.' I love getting to know these apprentices, investing in them, seeing them grow, spending time with them, and watching them do such amazing work; it's an honor for me, but the saying goodbye part takes a toll on my heart and it hurts.

I know it's worth it and I know I'll see them again eventually (cue sappy Christian music), but that doesn't really make it any easier. I'm slowly learning that saying goodbye is part of life, however much I hate it and I have to let go, especially in the job I'm in right now. Hopefully someday I will get to keep more people than I have to let go of in a year, but for now, it is what it is and what it is, is hard.

It's Not Easy Saying No

Not drinking as much coffee as I really want...the struggle is real.

Every day I wrestle with the same decision, to drink more coffee or not. Coffee for me is a comfort drink; it's my security blanket. When I'm uncomfortable, when I'm anxious, when I'm not feeling well, when I'm faced with an obstacle, problem or dilemma, I want that faithful cup of lovely goodness right there with me. When I'm happy, I celebrate with it (Cake cannot be eaten without a cup of coffee). When I'm sad, I console myself with it. When I'm out with friends, it brings an added joy to the experience. When I'm home alone, it keeps me company (and praise God for silent company).

Most days, I stick to my limit, one morning cup and one afternoon cup, but I won't lie, it's not easy saying no. I always want to say yes. Just today, I'll have one more. And I can always find an excuse for a third. Sometimes it's really hard to resist.

Something I've been thinking about for a while now, though, is the fruit of the Holy Spirit, particularly, the last one--self-control. I think this particular fruit is often overlooked because it's at the end of the list, but it's just as important as the others, and actually probably facilitates or leads to some of those listed before it.

As self-control/self-discipline is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, that means that if we are abiding in Christ, then we will be able to grow in demonstrating self-control in our lives, learning to say no to the wrong things and yes to the right things (for me, 'no' to more coffee and 'yes' to some water). This goes for every area of our lives, from how we respond to people around us to the activities we engage in to what we put in our bodies.

I'm not saying it's easy. The struggle is real. But I think we often forget that the blood of Jesus has made a way for us to walk with Him and as we do so, we become more like Him and we begin to display more and more of the fruit of the Holy Spirit, even without necessarily trying at times.

This is the tension though: do I spend time with Him and allow Him to transform me, which is what is truly good for me, or do I give way to the flesh and indulge my desires (another cup, another cup, another cup), which is what feels good at the time but isn't so good for me, especially as I lie awake at 4am because I've had too much caffeine, or perhaps worse, on those rare occasions I can't get my first dose early enough to avoid the massive headache that loudly implies I might be slightly addicted? This is the decision we all face, every day, and it's not a decision that will ever go away in this earthly life.

But praise God, He gives us grace! (Grace, which is not a fruit of the Holy Spirit--think about that!) When we're faced with decisions of the spirit and the flesh, He helps us in our hour of need--no matter how big or small the need. His promise is to always make a way out of temptation, His comfort is that He is always with us, and His truth is that He is always FOR us. So when I think about that, I can lift my eyes to Him, set my mind on Him and allow Him to transform me and make me more like Him. It's His work; I just need to make the decision to let Him do it. 

Well, that was surprisingly deep, considering I was only thinking about having another cup of coffee.