Perhaps writing a blog post right now is not a great idea because I'm really tired and a little bit ill; I'm probably going to be slightly more honest here than I normally would be. I hope you appreciate the vulnerability--here's my heart.
Last weekend I was talking to a friend who is currently in her first year on Pais and I was trying to describe how strange it is after graduation, when you and your team members go your separate ways. It's something we all go through here on Pais--doing life every day with the same 2-4 people for 10 months--getting to know each other, working together, eating together, praying together, traveling together, some teams living together, and then, all of a sudden, you've graduated, you get on a plane, and your life is completely different. Even if you come back for a second year, your life goes on. And their lives go on. Maybe you stay in touch. For the good friends, effort will be made to visit each other, especially for those who stay in Europe. But it's not easy. Eventually, the geographical distance becomes relational distance and those people who were once 'your people,' aren't even in the picture frame any more. Things change so much and you wonder what happened. The answer: life.
I learned this the hard way--the heartbreakingly hard way--when the world I had created for myself my first year in England seemed to completely vanish into thin air. I spent a year creating this world, but then I had to leave. I got on a plane, and the next morning when I woke up back in America, I felt like the entire year before had been a dream, and 'my people' who were all together on the other side of the ocean, were unreachable. I wasn't in that world anymore. They weren't in mine either. And the only window into that world I left behind was technology, technology that showed me my friends without me. I felt like Alice Through the Looking Glass, looking at something I felt I should be a part of but there was nothing I could do to get back there. So I had to let it go and I had to let them go. And that was SO hard.
Then I joined Pais and got to say goodbye many more times. I've had three teams so far on Pais that I've had to say goodbye to. It's never easy. And this year, this year it's not my team but a whole year of Pais apprentices I will have to say goodbye to. Obviously, some will be easier than others (no names! haha). But some are going to be freaking hard. And the more I think about it, the more I think, 'I don't know how much longer I can do this.' I love getting to know these apprentices, investing in them, seeing them grow, spending time with them, and watching them do such amazing work; it's an honor for me, but the saying goodbye part takes a toll on my heart and it hurts.
I know it's worth it and I know I'll see them again eventually (cue sappy Christian music), but that doesn't really make it any easier. I'm slowly learning that saying goodbye is part of life, however much I hate it and I have to let go, especially in the job I'm in right now. Hopefully someday I will get to keep more people than I have to let go of in a year, but for now, it is what it is and what it is, is hard.
No comments:
Post a Comment