Something Is Different

Something is different...in me.

When I first looked at the website for Pais and began to figure out exactly what it is and what Pais apprentices do, I was hesitant. I knew there would be challenges involved, especially for me. Part of what we do requires public speaking and even, dare I say it, drama...I am the world's worst actress and being the center of attention has always been my idea of torture. Hundreds of pairs of eyes staring at me in expectation...in expectation that I bring something worthwhile to the table...that scared me.

But as I've been here, during training and in my first week in Southport, I find I don't mind so much. I find, actually, that I do have something worthwhile to bring to the table. I have words of Life. During my preach assessment and now in lunch clubs and in the (very near) future when we do assemblies, I know I have something valuable to share. And it's not about me. What people think of me really doesn't matter at all. It's about what I have (Jesus in me!) to give. And it's about the people who will receive that.

In an earlier post entitled Eight Months Later I wrote about how the Lord broke me, and now, at this point, I am growing in the realization that not only did He break me, but He is putting me back together differently than I used to be, which makes complete sense. Why would He break something just to re-build it exactly as it was? No, He breaks to re-build in a better way. Being broken is painful, but the rebuilding process is amazing. I am finding that I am able to do things I have always been afraid to do. Things I absolutely did not want to do before, I find myself wanting to do. And the biggest example of that is the fact that I am a missionary.

When I was young, the last thing I wanted to do was be a missionary. I was afraid all growing up that if I gave my life to Christ, I mean absolutely surrendered it to Him, that He would make me a missionary and send me to Africa. I was afraid to talk about Jesus with people because I knew I didn't have all the answers. And I was also afraid because, honestly, I didn't really know Him. I didn't realize at the time that I didn't know Him, but looking back I can see, I didn't know Him.

But now, now I know Him. I have had experiential knowledge of this Man Christ Jesus who is my Saviour and my best friend and my absolute favorite thing to do is talk about Him. He makes me happy! So here I am, a "missionary." Yeah, you can call me that. But really, I am just a lover of Jesus who has been so blessed to be able to come to England (my favorite place!) in order to talk about Jesus! And my desire is to see others come to the knowledge of who He is, fall in love and surrender their lives to Him as well. Yeah, that's why I am here.

P.S. The Lord did actually send me to Africa. But He didn't make me go like I was afraid He would; He gave me the invitation to go. And I'm so glad I did because I loved it!