The Last Year

Fifty-two weeks ago today my heart broke. In what I now know was a merciful act of loving kindness from my heavenly Father, I was torn from a world I had embraced without reservation, and a friendship in which I had lost myself. I have hinted about this in previous posts, and several very close friends know the details, but as I hit the one-year mark today, I find myself reflecting more and more on this situation. 

June 24th-25th of 2013 was the saddest day of my life (I didn't sleep that night, so really, it all turned into one long, saaaaad day). I cried in three different airports in three different countries. I didn't want to leave, but I had to. I was devastated.

Or so I thought. It was really hard for me to leave, but the days that came after, however, were, to my surprise, even harder. The world I had embraced went on without me, and continued to change as I sat at home alone. The friendship I had lost myself in very soon withered away, and I was left a broken and hurting mess. The days passed, quite slowly, and the hurt went on. I kept expecting the pain to stop. I kept expecting the next day to be easier. But it wasn't. Not for a long time. 

And then, a few months later, I could breathe again. But the pain was still there, every day. Less intense and more manageable, but still quite present. 

Several more months went by, and I got to come back to my favorite country, the UK. I thought that was the end. I thought with the beginning of 2014 and a new country, I would be completely healed. For a while, the pain I experienced was overshadowed by the excitement and challenge of a new adventure. But settling in, I quickly realized that there were still broken pieces of me that God wanted to heal. The re-building process was not complete like I had thought it was. 

And now, now the pain hits sporadically. I still miss that place and that friendship. I still think of them every day, and sometimes find them in my dreams. I know there will come a day when the memories don't hit so hard and I won't think about the precious times I had. I believe I will wake up one day (hopefully soon) and realize I did not think about them at all the day before.

But until that day, I am pressing on. I am happy to hit the one-year mark, and to put this last year behind me. It has been the hardest year of my life, by a landslide, and I want to move on. However, saying all that, this year has been one in which I have experienced the presence of Jesus in a stronger way than I ever have before. Because I needed Him more. There was nothing and no one who could have sustained me in such a dark place, no one but Him. And He did it. In addition to His presence, He has given me work to do to advance His Kingdom. He has given me family, friends and teammates who have been so gracious with me, listening to me and encouraging me. He has given me wisdom to share. And He has given me hope for the future. There is better for me, and I believe that. 

So, even on the hard days, I will choose to believe that He is using and will continue to use what I have been through for His glory and He will continue to bring me the healing and freedom I need. He will continue to give me joy in the moment and hope for the future. And for all these things, I am so thankful to Him.

To my family and friends who have supported me over the past year, I thank you too. You have been patient and understanding, compassionate and supportive and I am so blessed to have you all in my life. 

I choose to believe this.