'Blessed'

In just a few weeks, I'm taking a vacation with my best friend and going to Denmark for about 4 days. Then in November, I'm travelling with my mom's church on a week and a half pilgrimage to Israel. Lately, in telling people this, their response has been that I'm 'SO blessed!' In fact, people say this to me often, and while I agree that the circumstances of my life in this season yield to some not-so-common opportunities, I think people forget, or simply don't know, that getting here and being here has not been easy at all.

Following God does not happen without sacrifice, and I have certainly made sacrifices to be where I am today, as I'm sure many of you have.

I have left all of my family and my best friend behind, as well as many other great friends.
I have lost people along the way.
I have given up receiving a salary.
I have given up having a home of my own.
I have given up my home nation, the comfort of my own culture, and I've now given up England (for a time) as well.
I have moved 6 times in 6 years (and am about to move again in less than two months).
And I have given up conveniences like driving and having a clothes dryer at my disposal.

Those might not seem like big things, but they are.

Not having a car, in fact not being allowed to drive in this country, means that I have to rely on public transport or a friend with a car in order to have much of a life. Deciding for myself when I'm going anywhere is a thing of the past. I have to work on other people's timetables. Whatever groceries I buy I get to carry in my back pack at least twice a week from the supermarket to my house. It's a 30 minute walk.

Not having a dryer means having to plan ahead when I'm going to do laundry so that I have a full 24 hours for my clothes to dry (or a really lucky and rare sunny few hours). Washing and drying clothes in an hour or two does not happen any more.

Money isn't a huge thing for me. Books and coffee is where I spend my money. And I have some incredibly generous people who support me and the work I do here. I have not gone without. But I don't know how long I will be able to live off of the support of others. What about planning for the future? What about thinking ahead to retirement? Honestly, I can't right now.

For the last 6 years I have lived in other people's homes, and while I am incredibly grateful for the hospitality I have received from so many, can you imagine living in a house that doesn't belong to you or your family? Having to learn the culture of another person/group of people, adapting your lifestyle to fit with theirs, trying to establish a relationship with strangers while already living with them? I've done this over and over again and it doesn't seem to get any easier.

I moved away from the country and culture I've known my whole life. As much as I desired to live in the UK, it's very different and the culture shock took a while to adjust to. There are still comforts of home that I miss and probably always will. In addition, moving to Ireland was something I truly believe God led me to do. He spoke very clearly about it. And I obeyed and walked through that door when He opened it. But I miss England; it was where I always wanted to be and I love being there still. Hopefully I will get to live there again at some point.

Moving so often has meant that I continually begin building community, yet I don't actually have enough time to solidify it before I'm moving again and starting over. It means those people I just met, I'm saying goodbye to before there's enough time for me to establish a real, maintainable connection with them. It also means that I haven't actually had a sense of community in several years (Thank you to my Walsall family for being community for me!).

People who have meant the most to me over the years I have had to say goodbye to multiple times, and some, I've had to say goodbye to indefinitely. We won't get into that, but sometimes goodbye is permanent.

In one very hard season of my life, after I had spent an initial year in England, I returned to America, not knowing if I would ever return to the UK, but desperately wanting to. I felt then that almost everything I loved had been taken from me, that I'd been forced to give up the things and the people I cared about most. And there was a scripture verse that God used to really encourage me during that time.

Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or parents or brothers or wife or children, for the sake of the Kingdom of God, who shall not receive many times more in this present time, and in the age to come eternal life. -Luke 18:29

This is still my hope and a promise that I cling to. I've left a lot of things behind for the sake of following God where He's led me, and I believe there are things He wants to give me in the coming days. There are desires of my heart that are still unmet, things I continually lay on the altar before Him, things I've been waiting to receive for a long time. And still I wait. That's not easy.  It's a struggle, a daily one. But Jesus is Emmanuel, God with us, and if I am blessed, it is because He walks with me through it all, providing what I need, which is sometimes truth, comfort and encouragement when all I see is lack. No, it's not easy. But with Him, I can do this. And I trust that one day, He will meet every desire He has placed within me. All I have to do is keeping following.

Waves of Grief

Almost 5 years ago I lost a really good friend. Not to death, just relationally. And while that might not seem like a big deal, it really was to me. That friendship was one of the most significant friendships of my life and I suffered a lot when it ended.  It was really intense for me and the pain lasted a lot longer than I expected it to, but very gradually, that pain settled into waves of grief, coming less frequently, coming less intensely.

But today a wave hit me and it hit hard. Nothing happened that I'm aware of to trigger it, but today has been significantly difficult, like a wave of grief has washed over me.

I don't know much about grief. This is the only instance where I've really experienced it. But I *think* the best thing to do when hit by a wave is just to let it come. I think fighting against it won't help. I think acting on it isn't wise. I think letting it come and then go is probably the best thing to do. So that's what I'm doing. I'm thanking God for the sweet times and trusting Him with the pain and choosing to believe that He works all things together for good.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. -Psalm 27:13

The Side of Love

It's not often I think to myself 'I'm watching history in the making.' But tonight I did. I started following the BBC on Facebook recently and they posted a video about protests in Barcelona in response to Carles Puigdemont's arrest in Germany where he'll stay until his extradition order is processed.

It reminds me of King Charles II of England running for his life in the middle of the night only to be caught and executed. It's easy to read that from a distance of several hundred years and only consider the events historically. But the English Civil War was real for the people of the day, and what's happening in Spain is real for them as well. Just as what is happening in America is real for these brave students who are protesting and demanding better government. Things are heating up; they have been and they will continue to escalate.

It makes me think it's time to decide where I stand. For so long I've refused to take a side or voice an opinion on things, partly because I can see from so many different perspectives so it's hard to pick just one, but also partly because people are so opinionated and usually they're very passionate about their opinions (and the louder they get the more annoyed I get). I don't want to argue. But I want to know what I think and why I think that. I want to know where I land. And I want the place I land to be the side of Love.

Am I for or against greater gun control? I'm for Life, so you tell me. Where do I stand on the situation in Spain? Am I for or against an independent Catalonia? I'm for the people who live there, for those who need to know Truth, Freedom, Hope and Peace, all of those things that come wrapped up in a beautiful man named Jesus.

So that's where I stand, on the side of Jesus and on the side of Love.

Late Night Musing

There seem to be an awful lot of ENFPs in my life lately. I wonder if God's trying to teach me something...? :) #creativity #freedom

Now and Not Yet

On Sunday, one of my friends asked to pray for me at church and he prophesied over me about a new season coming for me, the season of Spring.

Last night, I was at small group and we did a prophetic activity where you take magazines and cut out photos you feel God is highlighting to you in order to create a vision board. The thing is that the vision board isn't for you; it's for someone else in the room, but you don't know who. I'm not going to go into the details of how to do that, but I will say it worked and God was very clearly speaking to us. On the vision board created for me, it had a cloud and the words 'When: Right now,' meant to be reminiscent of when Elijah prayed for rain and finally, his servant saw a cloud the size of a man's hand and very quickly, the rain came and it was a lot of rain!

I've been receiving prophetic words for about a year and a half about experiencing joy upon joy, surprises, a massive gift, and now Spring and rain. I understand them, but I'm having trouble believing them. When you've prayed for something for so long and you cannot see any hint of it on the horizon, it makes sense that your brain would deny that that thing is about to show up in your life. But I don't want my brain to deny it. I want to receive those words and stand on them. I want to be excited about what God has for me and expectant that He will fulfil the desires of my heart. But I'm so tired of disappointment I'm not quite sure how to do that.

Lately I've been in quite a positive place, enjoying life and work and friendships, not thinking much about the future, which is strange for me. I'm usually quite future-oriented, always looking to the next thing. And although there are changes ahead for me which I'm excited about, I'm still very present right now, which is good. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't really know how to be present and future oriented. I don't know how to be content with what I have now and excited about what God is saying He will do (despite my lack of vision). Yeah, I just don't really get how to walk in the tension of the now and the not-yet.

It's All About Love

I don't really know what to write about today. It's not that nothing's happened, but I'm struggling to put today into words. 'What was the most significant part of my day?' Maybe that question will jog some thoughts. Well, we had ESOM this morning, as is usual for a Tuesday. We spent the entire time listening to each others' stories from recent mission trips. A few weeks ago, the interns split up for special trips, one group went to Carlisle, one to London and one to Norway. It was amazing to hear how God met each group in their circumstances and how they shared His love with people. Most of our interns talked about how they gave specific and accurate prophetic words to people or how they had words of knowledge for people or about how they prayed for people and they got healed. But it was so cool because at the end of our time together, the last people to share about their trips really just brought it back around to what's most important: LOVE. Love is such a catalyst for change and giving people an opportunity to encounter God and experience His presence, well, that's love right there. We can operate in such a high level of prophecy, we can move in signs and wonders, but if we don't have love, we're 'nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate,' so says The Message. And that's what I experienced in Belfast last weekend. It was Love that led the church to share God's heart with people on a day historically known for drunkenness and violence. It was Love that caused our leaders to weep over their community before we went out. It was Love that filled my heart and compelled me to speak and act and be Jesus to people I don't know and may never see again in this life. And that's what it's all about.

Last Weekend in Belfast

This past weekend I had the beautiful privilege of going to Belfast to join our team there for a special mission day for St. Patrick's Day. I'll let the photos do the talking, but the team definitely made the most of the celebration to interact with young adults in the community! St. Patrick's Day is obviously significant to the Irish, but it has often been a day for drunkenness, violence and division. What we saw however were mostly bored young adults who'd started drinking by 10am (if not the night before) and only had plans to watch Ireland beat England in rugby and then go out and party some more. That in turn provided a bit of opportunity to talk with people as they really had no agenda for the day, with plenty of time for us to share God's love with them.  It was a cold day for sure though and the free hots drinks we provided passersby were also incentive for people to stop and chat with us. 

 The Belfast team--2 Americans and a Brazilian

Joseph dressed as a leprechaun, which drew attention to us and gave us an opportunity to talk with people. He also quite creatively used chocolate gold coins as part of his costume which he then used to tell people the parable of the Lost Coin, sharing with them that they are precious to God in the same way the lost coin was precious to the woman in the story. It was really clever!

Some of the young adults we met along the way. St. Patrick's Day is definitely an excuse to go a bit crazy!

Emily & Paula trying to keep warm while serving people hot drinks!

This guy hung out near us for hours! Sometimes chatting with us or sitting with some friends across the street, but I think he was out in the cold with us from beginning to end. 

Some of the young adults our team work with who joined us for the mission day.

Serving hot drinks to anyone who passed by! #loveisahotdrinkonacoldday

On Sunday, I got to join the team at their church for the morning service, which the young adults led entirely! It was so cool to see them prep, lead worship and preach the sermon, sharing their youthful enthusiasm with their church family!

Me hanging out in the team's office as they helped their young adults prepare for Sunday.

These two lovely ladies preached together on Sunday morning. The one on the right has grown incredibly since the team arrived in September. She was very shy and hesitant at first, but she continued to step out of her comfort zone and push herself and she now joins the team on outreach, praying for people and she's started preaching!

They did such a great job!

Young adults leading the way :)

Paula serving, as usual!

Emily and her mentee

Young adults who are advancing the Kingdom in Belfast!