The Heart of the Matter

One of my favourite people a thousand years ago was a guy from Poland who I met in England. In general, his English was good, but every once in a while, he would say something wrong. My favourite thing he said wrong was 'Neither I' instead of 'Me neither,' and I never corrected him because, even though it was wrong, it was so endearing that I didn't want him to stop saying it.

To be honest, I'm really bad about correcting people who speak English as a second language, and I try to tell them this upfront if they ask me to help them. The thing is, although of course I notice when they say things wrong (and something within me slightly cringes when they do), I'm more concerned with the content of what they're saying than how they're actually saying it. The specific words they're using are a tool to communicate to me what they're thinking and feeling. What I'm primarily concerned with is the truth of what they're experiencing and what they're trying to communicate, not the way they communicate it.

As I was brushing my teeth tonight, I was thinking about this, about all the times my friends who speak English as a second language get things wrong but I don't mind so much because I'm more concerned with what's behind that, and, perhaps strangely, it made me think about God's heart for us. Yeah, we do things wrong. We fall short. We mess up. Every single one of us. And usually, we feel some measure of embarrassment, guilt, conviction or condemnation when we do. But what if God is looking at us the same way I'm listening to my friends--not super concerned with the little blips and bumps when we get it wrong, but really wanting to get to what's behind all that? What if our little messes (that may be piling up into bigger messes at times) aren't so important to Him and what He really cares about is what's underneath them, and what they're communicating to Him about the heart of the matter? And the heart of the matter that He really wants to get to, the thing He is primarily concerned about, the most important thing to Him really, is actually the state of our hearts.

Well, there's an interesting thought for tonight. I'm gonna go ponder that a little bit more.

Tired of Saying Goodbye

Perhaps writing a blog post right now is not a great idea because I'm really tired and a little bit ill; I'm probably going to be slightly more honest here than I normally would be. I hope you appreciate the vulnerability--here's my heart.

Last weekend I was talking to a friend who is currently in her first year on Pais and I was trying to describe how strange it is after graduation, when you and your team members go your separate ways. It's something we all go through here on Pais--doing life every day with the same 2-4 people for 10 months--getting to know each other, working together, eating together, praying together, traveling together, some teams living together, and then, all of a sudden, you've graduated, you get on a plane, and your life is completely different. Even if you come back for a second year, your life goes on. And their lives go on. Maybe you stay in touch. For the good friends, effort will be made to visit each other, especially for those who stay in Europe. But it's not easy. Eventually, the geographical distance becomes relational distance and those people who were once 'your people,' aren't even in the picture frame any more. Things change so much and you wonder what happened. The answer: life.

I learned this the hard way--the heartbreakingly hard way--when the world I had created for myself my first year in England seemed to completely vanish into thin air. I spent a year creating this world, but then I had to leave. I got on a plane, and the next morning when I woke up back in America, I felt like the entire year before had been a dream, and 'my people' who were all together on the other side of the ocean, were unreachable. I wasn't in that world anymore. They weren't in mine either. And the only window into that world I left behind was technology, technology that showed me my friends without me. I felt like Alice Through the Looking Glass, looking at something I felt I should be a part of but there was nothing I could do to get back there. So I had to let it go and I had to let them go. And that was SO hard.

Then I joined Pais and got to say goodbye many more times. I've had three teams so far on Pais that I've had to say goodbye to. It's never easy. And this year, this year it's not my team but a whole year of Pais apprentices I will have to say goodbye to. Obviously, some will be easier than others (no names! haha). But some are going to be freaking hard. And the more I think about it, the more I think, 'I don't know how much longer I can do this.' I love getting to know these apprentices, investing in them, seeing them grow, spending time with them, and watching them do such amazing work; it's an honor for me, but the saying goodbye part takes a toll on my heart and it hurts.

I know it's worth it and I know I'll see them again eventually (cue sappy Christian music), but that doesn't really make it any easier. I'm slowly learning that saying goodbye is part of life, however much I hate it and I have to let go, especially in the job I'm in right now. Hopefully someday I will get to keep more people than I have to let go of in a year, but for now, it is what it is and what it is, is hard.

It's Not Easy Saying No

Not drinking as much coffee as I really want...the struggle is real.

Every day I wrestle with the same decision, to drink more coffee or not. Coffee for me is a comfort drink; it's my security blanket. When I'm uncomfortable, when I'm anxious, when I'm not feeling well, when I'm faced with an obstacle, problem or dilemma, I want that faithful cup of lovely goodness right there with me. When I'm happy, I celebrate with it (Cake cannot be eaten without a cup of coffee). When I'm sad, I console myself with it. When I'm out with friends, it brings an added joy to the experience. When I'm home alone, it keeps me company (and praise God for silent company).

Most days, I stick to my limit, one morning cup and one afternoon cup, but I won't lie, it's not easy saying no. I always want to say yes. Just today, I'll have one more. And I can always find an excuse for a third. Sometimes it's really hard to resist.

Something I've been thinking about for a while now, though, is the fruit of the Holy Spirit, particularly, the last one--self-control. I think this particular fruit is often overlooked because it's at the end of the list, but it's just as important as the others, and actually probably facilitates or leads to some of those listed before it.

As self-control/self-discipline is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, that means that if we are abiding in Christ, then we will be able to grow in demonstrating self-control in our lives, learning to say no to the wrong things and yes to the right things (for me, 'no' to more coffee and 'yes' to some water). This goes for every area of our lives, from how we respond to people around us to the activities we engage in to what we put in our bodies.

I'm not saying it's easy. The struggle is real. But I think we often forget that the blood of Jesus has made a way for us to walk with Him and as we do so, we become more like Him and we begin to display more and more of the fruit of the Holy Spirit, even without necessarily trying at times.

This is the tension though: do I spend time with Him and allow Him to transform me, which is what is truly good for me, or do I give way to the flesh and indulge my desires (another cup, another cup, another cup), which is what feels good at the time but isn't so good for me, especially as I lie awake at 4am because I've had too much caffeine, or perhaps worse, on those rare occasions I can't get my first dose early enough to avoid the massive headache that loudly implies I might be slightly addicted? This is the decision we all face, every day, and it's not a decision that will ever go away in this earthly life.

But praise God, He gives us grace! (Grace, which is not a fruit of the Holy Spirit--think about that!) When we're faced with decisions of the spirit and the flesh, He helps us in our hour of need--no matter how big or small the need. His promise is to always make a way out of temptation, His comfort is that He is always with us, and His truth is that He is always FOR us. So when I think about that, I can lift my eyes to Him, set my mind on Him and allow Him to transform me and make me more like Him. It's His work; I just need to make the decision to let Him do it. 

Well, that was surprisingly deep, considering I was only thinking about having another cup of coffee.

BYL Thanks

Look at this! The families of the local refugee centre we went to for BYL Tour on Monday sent us this thank you card & chocolates! The drawings on the card are the activities we did with them--it's so cool!

Everyone at the centre was so appreciative that we came and it was clear they loved having us there. What I love is the fact that we get to go back! It was such a joy to be there and to bring some fun (and food!) for them and to spend time with them. Yeah, it was a lot of prep work for me to make this happen, but my team took advantage of the opportunity to show them God's love and it was totally worth it.

Because You're Loved Tour 2017!

Well, it's come and gone, this incredible mission weekend with Pais apprentices from around the world and young people from the UK. Someone asked me this morning how it was. My response: 'Parts of it were great. Parts of it were really hard.' And that's the truth. This weekend is probably the most difficult weekend of my academic year because it requires so much planning and organisation on my part and the part of my colleagues and it demands ALLLLLL of my energy for three and a half days. It's a lot of work and it's going to take me a while to recover. But in it all, despite my frustrations and fatigue, it was worth it.

And this is why:

Over 150 people were involved in this local mission weekend!

61 of those 150 were young people, ages 11-18, who were sharing the love of God with the community here in East Lancashire; some of them have come before, some were brand new this year. (One of them was a lovely young person from my church in Walsall and I was SO glad she was able to come and have this opportunity!)

One of our local 12 year old boys was teaching adults how to pray for strangers on the street. He's such a rockstar.

42 people said 'Yes' to Jesus this weekend!

And my favorite story: On the last day of the mission weekend, I took a small group of Pais apprentices and young people to a community center for refugee families in the area with some food, games, music and activities for the children. One of our apprentices started talking with a Muslim woman there who is about the same age. As they started talking, they realized they had a lot in common as far as experiences they've been through in the past. Our apprentice got out her Bible and began to share with her some of the Scriptures that have helped her through those hard times. As she was reading them, the Muslim woman was really touched by how beautiful the Scriptures were. In the course of the conversation, she told our apprentice that she actually has a Bible at home, and being so impacted by the beauty of the Scriptures, she said she wanted to spend time during Ramadan (the upcoming time of prayer and fasting for Muslims), reading her Bible!

I love my job and I love the heart of Pais and why we do what we do. If you would like to contribute to the work we do, we are currently in the midst of fundraising and will be doing a 10K Walk/Run/Cycle in just a few weeks. I'd love for you to be able to invest in this great work with me. Please click here in order to join with us as we work to advance the Kingdom in the UK!

Ireland!

March and April have been very busy months for me, and to be honest, most of my time was not spent in the office! I got the opportunity to travel a bit, so I will share some of my adventures with you.

In March, I met my mom, stepdad and best friend in Ireland! We had an amazing week there, staying at a flat in Dublin and taking day trips to see some beautiful Irish castles, churches and countryside. We visited the Guinness Factory, Trinity College, Malahide Castle, Kilkenny Castle, St. Canice's Cathedral, Christ Church Cathedral, St. Patrick's Cathedral and Galway on the Atlantic coast. Ireland is an incredible country and the people there are so friendly! I will definitely be going back!

In case you're wondering, yes, I did try the Guinness, but to be honest, I prefer the Irish coffee. ;)


The Guinness Factory

This was not my response to the Guinness; it just happened and I thought it was a funny photo. The Guinness Factory was enjoyable, even though I have no interest in beer or how it's made. I also learned something about myself--I prefer beer with food. The night before I'd had half a pint with fish and chips (as you do when you're in Ireland) and it was much better than the free pint we got at the end of the tour of the factory. But it was fun and something you should do if you're in Dublin, especially on a rainy day. However, the tour ends at the top of a tower that overlooks the city, so if you go on a nice day, you're guaranteed an amazing view!

So many interesting things to read and look at in the Guinness Factory!

Like I said, so many interesting things!

You didn't know you were Irish for a whole day every year, did you??

If you're guaranteed to see one thing in a brewery, it's barrels!

At Trinity College

Trinity College
Trinity College is also a must-see if you're ever in Dublin! For us, the Book of Kells was priority on the list (It's housed at the college), so we paid the 11 Euros to go in and look at it. If you don't know, the Book of Kells is a copy of the four Gospels in Latin created by monks in Ireland around 800AD. If you look closely at the pages, the intricate detail, the colours, the work it took to make the ink, the process of binding the book together, etc. it was a lot of work! But also, it's nice to realize it was created by a bunch of guys who didn't have much else they had to do, you know? You can't take photos inside, but Google it and look at the pages! They're incredible.

With my stepdad and best friend before going in to see the Book of Kells!

 Another cool thing to see at Trinity College is the library! Floor to ceiling books in a room two stories tall! It is the largest library in Dublin (213 feet long), but perhaps also the most useless to the public :) It's beautiful and houses 200,000 books--it puts the library in Beauty and the Beast to shame! But ain't nobody checkin' anything out of there.

This is a photo of my friend Will chillin at the bottom of the spiral staircase in this section of the library.





Malahide Castle

Malahide Castle is an interesting place. The oldest castle in Ireland--which of course they are very proud of. Not very large, but the grounds are extensive and the cafe and gift shop are beyond anything I've ever seen at an historical site before. I'd probably go back just for those! On the right is me in front of the abbey on the grounds, which is now in ruins and fenced off. For a moment I considered jumping the fence in order to explore :)

My mom and stepdad on the steps the tenants would ascend to pay their rent, leading right into a room specifically reserved for rent-paying which meant they didn't have to (ahem, weren't allowed to) go into the castle itself. Hmph.

Kilkenny
In Kilkenny we visited a castle and a cathedral. It's a lovely town and I must say I was impressed by the size of the castle, especially considering it's now missing one of it's original four sides. In addition, the weather was amazing for most of the week and we took advantage of it!

Just a bit of this large and impressive castle

Experience Kilkenny! It's beautiful!

To the left is just a bit of St. Canice's Cathedral. It dates from the 13th century and is the second longest cathedral after St. Patrick's Cathedral in Dublin, which I also visited--that's where Jonathan Swift is buried, and let me tell you, the Dubliners are super proud of three things--Guinness, the 1916 Easter Uprising and Jonathan Swift! But anyway, this building was established on a site that has been used for Christian worship since the 6th century!

Me and the stained-glass window at the front of St. Canice's

Galway

Me and mom on the train to Galway!

 Galway was not what I expected! To say the least. I was thinking, Wild Atlantic Way (which it is part of) and that it would look like the Cliffs of Moher, you know, where they filmed the Cliffs of Insanity for The Princess Bride. But no, it was flat. Which was fine. It was still beautiful. I also expected it to be very Irish, as in full of Irish people. Nope. It was very international--Spanish, Brazilian & Eastern European people everywhere. And I liked that. :) Our first stop upon reaching Galway was FOOD, which I also liked. I had an Irish Breakfast, which I heartily recommend. It's like English breakfast, but better! In Ireland, they do white pudding, which is like black pudding but without the blood and it has definitely gone on the list of things I love about Ireland.

Me and my Irish coffee, which I had with my Irish breakfast that I ate for lunch!

My beautiful best friend as we wait for our lunch in Galway

Yeah, I'm not about to complain about this view! #Galway

One of the best things about this trip was getting to spend time with people I love! Having coffee, chatting, going out to eat, traveling, sight-seeing, taking photos--it was a blast and I am so thankful that these three love me enough to endure the trans-Atlantic journey to come see me so that we could experience a new country together! I am so blessed.

The Place of Prayer

As we approach Good Friday tomorrow, I think it's significant to reflect upon the place of prayer and what it actually is. Here are some quick thoughts:

The place of prayer is the place of aligning our hearts with God's heart, where we leave everything at the foot of the Cross and come to Him with empty hands and willing hearts and say, as Jesus did in the Garden, 'not my will, but Yours.' This is the place where we quiet ourselves--our minds and our hearts--and intentionally give God the time and opportunity to change us, to change the way we think, renewing our minds, and to bring us into agreement with Him. The priority here is not to bring our lists of wants and needs for ourselves or even for others, but to humble ourselves before Him and ask that His Kingdom would come and His will would be done in our lives and hearts. As John Stott said, 'The purpose of prayer is emphatically not to bend God's will to ours, but rather to align our will to His.'