A Call to Dare Young People

Last week I had the very great privilege of writing for Hannah's Plea. Even reading it back I get goosebumps--a sure sign that these are not my words. Check it out here: Hannah's Plea

Seasons Change

On Sunday I was sitting in a Hillsong church listening to a well-known guest speaker talk about 1 Kings 19. As the speaker announced the passage for his message, I instantly remembered that exactly four years ago, I was sitting in a Hillsong church listening to a well-known guest speaker talk about 1 Kings 19. I don't often remember sermons, let alone where I was when I heard them, and especially not the date that I heard them, but that Sunday in May 2013 was a significant day for me. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

That's not the point of this post though. The point is, that little jolt I received on Sunday (and it was a powerful little nudge) got me thinking about the last four years of my life. They have NOT at all been what I thought they would be, or what I wanted. And today I was thinking about what I used to want.

I used to want what I called the 'Christian girl American dream'--uni, relationship, graduation, marriage, house, kids. That was what I wanted. Or what I thought I wanted. Perhaps even what I had convinced myself I wanted. But that's not what I got.

Since graduating from uni, my life has been...unexpected. Yeah, nothing's really gone according to whatever plans I might have had. I've done various things--jobs, grad school, even taking a 'year out,' and now working abroad as a missionary for no money. This was not the life I had in mind for myself. It wasn't what I wanted. In fact, it was what I didn't want.

Part of my testimony is that growing up as a Christian, I loved God, but I didn't fully give my life to Him until I was 17, and the reason I held back for so long was because I didn't want to be a missionary. I thought God would make me become a missionary and He would make me go to Africa. So I refused to completely surrender my life to Him, until one night at a Campus Crusade for Christ convention where the Holy Spirit turned everything upside down.

Eventually I figured out that God doesn't make us do anything, but He invites us to do so much with Him. When I was 20, I did go to Africa--I GOT to go to Africa, and later on, I did become a missionary. It's my honour and privilege to be working with a missions organisation in a country across the sea. I love it and I'm so glad God gave me the opportunity and impetus to do something I never would have chosen to do on my own.

That leads me back to the last four years. Yes, they have been incredibly unexpected. This four-year season began with what for me was deep and profound pain, which to be honest, broke me, and that was followed by an unbelievably slow healing process. In that process though, God began to put me back together, but He put me together differently than I was before, which I suppose was the whole reason in allowing me to be broken in the first place.

Because I was so broken, I made a decision I would never have made before and I joined Pais. I was so desperate to be in the UK and so desperate to do something meaningful with my life, that I made it all the way through what seemed a very lengthy application process to join this organisation I didn't actually want to join. Somehow though, I got accepted and I boarded a plane to my future.

At the time, it was an 18-month commitment, but now, more than 3 years later, I'm still here. I'm here and I've done some hard work (including some hard heart work) serving on and leading schools teams in different areas in the UK. I never could have or would have done that before being broken. But I did it, and now I've done it, and sometimes I look back and wonder how I did it, but it was purely the grace of God that got me through it all. Now I get to serve Pais, an organisation I love, with skills that God has given me and in a way I enjoy on a daily basis. I love that. And I've gotten to do it here, in the UK, a place my heart longed for for such a long time.

But things are changing. They do that, don't they? Seasons change; that's the way nature works. Cycles come full circle, old things end and new things begin. This is how I feel, that this four-year season is coming to an end; this season that began traumatically for me and the healing process that has lasted much longer than I anticipated it would, is coming to a close. And for that, I am beyond grateful.

I have no idea what the next season will look like for me. I know where I will be--in a new place, which is incredibly exciting--but I don't know much else. All I know is something God has spoken to me several times, twice even through other people: this will be a season of joy. It's the Word of the Lord to me, and as it's His promise, I'm banking on it. I am thanking Him now and walking forward with open eyes and an open heart into whatever it is that He has for me, and I'm trusting that whatever it is, whoever is involved, wherever it leads me, no matter what, because He has orchestrated it for me, IT WILL BE GOOD. Amen?

What She Needs

Tonight as I was putting away the dishes in the kitchen, I started thinking about a friend, her work situation, her friendship situation, how things are going for her at the moment and about what she needs in her life. And then I stopped myself. Normally, I would have let myself continue, pondering what I think is best for her in her life, but tonight was different. As soon as I thought to myself 'She needs _______,' I realized that even though she is my friend, I have no right to decide, even in my own mind, what she needs. She is an adult, a Godly woman who is an active part of the church and our community. There is no reason why I need to determine what she needs in her life.

I think the reason I stopped myself so quickly tonight is because of my own reaction when people think they have the right to decide (& verbalize!) what I need in my life. As much as I know people love me and just want the best for me, they don't always know what that is, even if they think they do. It's kinda funny because, to be honest, I am still trying to figure out ME and it's not always easy. In different seasons I need different things and sometimes, I just need to be left alone to figure out what those things are and given space to try various things to see what works and what doesn't. I'm a complex human being, as we all are, and as I spend more time with myself than anyone else and am the only one inside this body with access to this energy and these thoughts and emotions, I think I probably have a better sense of what I need than anyone else. So, what I need is for people to trust me to know what I need.

And that's the conclusion I came to tonight about my friend, that I need to trust her to know what she needs. Perhaps what I can help her with is providing that for her or helping her get it when she communicates what it is, and I'm happy to do that if I can. I know that I hope others would do the same for me if they too found themselves thinking about what they think I need.

The Heart of the Matter

One of my favourite people a thousand years ago was a guy from Poland who I met in England. In general, his English was good, but every once in a while, he would say something wrong. My favourite thing he said wrong was 'Neither I' instead of 'Me neither,' and I never corrected him because, even though it was wrong, it was so endearing that I didn't want him to stop saying it.

To be honest, I'm really bad about correcting people who speak English as a second language, and I try to tell them this upfront if they ask me to help them. The thing is, although of course I notice when they say things wrong (and something within me slightly cringes when they do), I'm more concerned with the content of what they're saying than how they're actually saying it. The specific words they're using are a tool to communicate to me what they're thinking and feeling. What I'm primarily concerned with is the truth of what they're experiencing and what they're trying to communicate, not the way they communicate it.

As I was brushing my teeth tonight, I was thinking about this, about all the times my friends who speak English as a second language get things wrong but I don't mind so much because I'm more concerned with what's behind that, and, perhaps strangely, it made me think about God's heart for us. Yeah, we do things wrong. We fall short. We mess up. Every single one of us. And usually, we feel some measure of embarrassment, guilt, conviction or condemnation when we do. But what if God is looking at us the same way I'm listening to my friends--not super concerned with the little blips and bumps when we get it wrong, but really wanting to get to what's behind all that? What if our little messes (that may be piling up into bigger messes at times) aren't so important to Him and what He really cares about is what's underneath them, and what they're communicating to Him about the heart of the matter? And the heart of the matter that He really wants to get to, the thing He is primarily concerned about, the most important thing to Him really, is actually the state of our hearts.

Well, there's an interesting thought for tonight. I'm gonna go ponder that a little bit more.

Tired of Saying Goodbye

Perhaps writing a blog post right now is not a great idea because I'm really tired and a little bit ill; I'm probably going to be slightly more honest here than I normally would be. I hope you appreciate the vulnerability--here's my heart.

Last weekend I was talking to a friend who is currently in her first year on Pais and I was trying to describe how strange it is after graduation, when you and your team members go your separate ways. It's something we all go through here on Pais--doing life every day with the same 2-4 people for 10 months--getting to know each other, working together, eating together, praying together, traveling together, some teams living together, and then, all of a sudden, you've graduated, you get on a plane, and your life is completely different. Even if you come back for a second year, your life goes on. And their lives go on. Maybe you stay in touch. For the good friends, effort will be made to visit each other, especially for those who stay in Europe. But it's not easy. Eventually, the geographical distance becomes relational distance and those people who were once 'your people,' aren't even in the picture frame any more. Things change so much and you wonder what happened. The answer: life.

I learned this the hard way--the heartbreakingly hard way--when the world I had created for myself my first year in England seemed to completely vanish into thin air. I spent a year creating this world, but then I had to leave. I got on a plane, and the next morning when I woke up back in America, I felt like the entire year before had been a dream, and 'my people' who were all together on the other side of the ocean, were unreachable. I wasn't in that world anymore. They weren't in mine either. And the only window into that world I left behind was technology, technology that showed me my friends without me. I felt like Alice Through the Looking Glass, looking at something I felt I should be a part of but there was nothing I could do to get back there. So I had to let it go and I had to let them go. And that was SO hard.

Then I joined Pais and got to say goodbye many more times. I've had three teams so far on Pais that I've had to say goodbye to. It's never easy. And this year, this year it's not my team but a whole year of Pais apprentices I will have to say goodbye to. Obviously, some will be easier than others (no names! haha). But some are going to be freaking hard. And the more I think about it, the more I think, 'I don't know how much longer I can do this.' I love getting to know these apprentices, investing in them, seeing them grow, spending time with them, and watching them do such amazing work; it's an honor for me, but the saying goodbye part takes a toll on my heart and it hurts.

I know it's worth it and I know I'll see them again eventually (cue sappy Christian music), but that doesn't really make it any easier. I'm slowly learning that saying goodbye is part of life, however much I hate it and I have to let go, especially in the job I'm in right now. Hopefully someday I will get to keep more people than I have to let go of in a year, but for now, it is what it is and what it is, is hard.

It's Not Easy Saying No

Not drinking as much coffee as I really want...the struggle is real.

Every day I wrestle with the same decision, to drink more coffee or not. Coffee for me is a comfort drink; it's my security blanket. When I'm uncomfortable, when I'm anxious, when I'm not feeling well, when I'm faced with an obstacle, problem or dilemma, I want that faithful cup of lovely goodness right there with me. When I'm happy, I celebrate with it (Cake cannot be eaten without a cup of coffee). When I'm sad, I console myself with it. When I'm out with friends, it brings an added joy to the experience. When I'm home alone, it keeps me company (and praise God for silent company).

Most days, I stick to my limit, one morning cup and one afternoon cup, but I won't lie, it's not easy saying no. I always want to say yes. Just today, I'll have one more. And I can always find an excuse for a third. Sometimes it's really hard to resist.

Something I've been thinking about for a while now, though, is the fruit of the Holy Spirit, particularly, the last one--self-control. I think this particular fruit is often overlooked because it's at the end of the list, but it's just as important as the others, and actually probably facilitates or leads to some of those listed before it.

As self-control/self-discipline is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, that means that if we are abiding in Christ, then we will be able to grow in demonstrating self-control in our lives, learning to say no to the wrong things and yes to the right things (for me, 'no' to more coffee and 'yes' to some water). This goes for every area of our lives, from how we respond to people around us to the activities we engage in to what we put in our bodies.

I'm not saying it's easy. The struggle is real. But I think we often forget that the blood of Jesus has made a way for us to walk with Him and as we do so, we become more like Him and we begin to display more and more of the fruit of the Holy Spirit, even without necessarily trying at times.

This is the tension though: do I spend time with Him and allow Him to transform me, which is what is truly good for me, or do I give way to the flesh and indulge my desires (another cup, another cup, another cup), which is what feels good at the time but isn't so good for me, especially as I lie awake at 4am because I've had too much caffeine, or perhaps worse, on those rare occasions I can't get my first dose early enough to avoid the massive headache that loudly implies I might be slightly addicted? This is the decision we all face, every day, and it's not a decision that will ever go away in this earthly life.

But praise God, He gives us grace! (Grace, which is not a fruit of the Holy Spirit--think about that!) When we're faced with decisions of the spirit and the flesh, He helps us in our hour of need--no matter how big or small the need. His promise is to always make a way out of temptation, His comfort is that He is always with us, and His truth is that He is always FOR us. So when I think about that, I can lift my eyes to Him, set my mind on Him and allow Him to transform me and make me more like Him. It's His work; I just need to make the decision to let Him do it. 

Well, that was surprisingly deep, considering I was only thinking about having another cup of coffee.

BYL Thanks

Look at this! The families of the local refugee centre we went to for BYL Tour on Monday sent us this thank you card & chocolates! The drawings on the card are the activities we did with them--it's so cool!

Everyone at the centre was so appreciative that we came and it was clear they loved having us there. What I love is the fact that we get to go back! It was such a joy to be there and to bring some fun (and food!) for them and to spend time with them. Yeah, it was a lot of prep work for me to make this happen, but my team took advantage of the opportunity to show them God's love and it was totally worth it.

Because You're Loved Tour 2017!

Well, it's come and gone, this incredible mission weekend with Pais apprentices from around the world and young people from the UK. Someone asked me this morning how it was. My response: 'Parts of it were great. Parts of it were really hard.' And that's the truth. This weekend is probably the most difficult weekend of my academic year because it requires so much planning and organisation on my part and the part of my colleagues and it demands ALLLLLL of my energy for three and a half days. It's a lot of work and it's going to take me a while to recover. But in it all, despite my frustrations and fatigue, it was worth it.

And this is why:

Over 150 people were involved in this local mission weekend!

61 of those 150 were young people, ages 11-18, who were sharing the love of God with the community here in East Lancashire; some of them have come before, some were brand new this year. (One of them was a lovely young person from my church in Walsall and I was SO glad she was able to come and have this opportunity!)

One of our local 12 year old boys was teaching adults how to pray for strangers on the street. He's such a rockstar.

42 people said 'Yes' to Jesus this weekend!

And my favorite story: On the last day of the mission weekend, I took a small group of Pais apprentices and young people to a community center for refugee families in the area with some food, games, music and activities for the children. One of our apprentices started talking with a Muslim woman there who is about the same age. As they started talking, they realized they had a lot in common as far as experiences they've been through in the past. Our apprentice got out her Bible and began to share with her some of the Scriptures that have helped her through those hard times. As she was reading them, the Muslim woman was really touched by how beautiful the Scriptures were. In the course of the conversation, she told our apprentice that she actually has a Bible at home, and being so impacted by the beauty of the Scriptures, she said she wanted to spend time during Ramadan (the upcoming time of prayer and fasting for Muslims), reading her Bible!

I love my job and I love the heart of Pais and why we do what we do. If you would like to contribute to the work we do, we are currently in the midst of fundraising and will be doing a 10K Walk/Run/Cycle in just a few weeks. I'd love for you to be able to invest in this great work with me. Please click here in order to join with us as we work to advance the Kingdom in the UK!