'Blessed'

In just a few weeks, I'm taking a vacation with my best friend and going to Denmark for about 4 days. Then in November, I'm travelling with my mom's church on a week and a half pilgrimage to Israel. Lately, in telling people this, their response has been that I'm 'SO blessed!' In fact, people say this to me often, and while I agree that the circumstances of my life in this season yield to some not-so-common opportunities, I think people forget, or simply don't know, that getting here and being here has not been easy at all.

Following God does not happen without sacrifice, and I have certainly made sacrifices to be where I am today, as I'm sure many of you have.

I have left all of my family and my best friend behind, as well as many other great friends.
I have lost people along the way.
I have given up receiving a salary.
I have given up having a home of my own.
I have given up my home nation, the comfort of my own culture, and I've now given up England (for a time) as well.
I have moved 6 times in 6 years (and am about to move again in less than two months).
And I have given up conveniences like driving and having a clothes dryer at my disposal.

Those might not seem like big things, but they are.

Not having a car, in fact not being allowed to drive in this country, means that I have to rely on public transport or a friend with a car in order to have much of a life. Deciding for myself when I'm going anywhere is a thing of the past. I have to work on other people's timetables. Whatever groceries I buy I get to carry in my back pack at least twice a week from the supermarket to my house. It's a 30 minute walk.

Not having a dryer means having to plan ahead when I'm going to do laundry so that I have a full 24 hours for my clothes to dry (or a really lucky and rare sunny few hours). Washing and drying clothes in an hour or two does not happen any more.

Money isn't a huge thing for me. Books and coffee is where I spend my money. And I have some incredibly generous people who support me and the work I do here. I have not gone without. But I don't know how long I will be able to live off of the support of others. What about planning for the future? What about thinking ahead to retirement? Honestly, I can't right now.

For the last 6 years I have lived in other people's homes, and while I am incredibly grateful for the hospitality I have received from so many, can you imagine living in a house that doesn't belong to you or your family? Having to learn the culture of another person/group of people, adapting your lifestyle to fit with theirs, trying to establish a relationship with strangers while already living with them? I've done this over and over again and it doesn't seem to get any easier.

I moved away from the country and culture I've known my whole life. As much as I desired to live in the UK, it's very different and the culture shock took a while to adjust to. There are still comforts of home that I miss and probably always will. In addition, moving to Ireland was something I truly believe God led me to do. He spoke very clearly about it. And I obeyed and walked through that door when He opened it. But I miss England; it was where I always wanted to be and I love being there still. Hopefully I will get to live there again at some point.

Moving so often has meant that I continually begin building community, yet I don't actually have enough time to solidify it before I'm moving again and starting over. It means those people I just met, I'm saying goodbye to before there's enough time for me to establish a real, maintainable connection with them. It also means that I haven't actually had a sense of community in several years (Thank you to my Walsall family for being community for me!).

People who have meant the most to me over the years I have had to say goodbye to multiple times, and some, I've had to say goodbye to indefinitely. We won't get into that, but sometimes goodbye is permanent.

In one very hard season of my life, after I had spent an initial year in England, I returned to America, not knowing if I would ever return to the UK, but desperately wanting to. I felt then that almost everything I loved had been taken from me, that I'd been forced to give up the things and the people I cared about most. And there was a scripture verse that God used to really encourage me during that time.

Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or parents or brothers or wife or children, for the sake of the Kingdom of God, who shall not receive many times more in this present time, and in the age to come eternal life. -Luke 18:29

This is still my hope and a promise that I cling to. I've left a lot of things behind for the sake of following God where He's led me, and I believe there are things He wants to give me in the coming days. There are desires of my heart that are still unmet, things I continually lay on the altar before Him, things I've been waiting to receive for a long time. And still I wait. That's not easy.  It's a struggle, a daily one. But Jesus is Emmanuel, God with us, and if I am blessed, it is because He walks with me through it all, providing what I need, which is sometimes truth, comfort and encouragement when all I see is lack. No, it's not easy. But with Him, I can do this. And I trust that one day, He will meet every desire He has placed within me. All I have to do is keeping following.

Waves of Grief

Almost 5 years ago I lost a really good friend. Not to death, just relationally. And while that might not seem like a big deal, it really was to me. That friendship was one of the most significant friendships of my life and I suffered a lot when it ended.  It was really intense for me and the pain lasted a lot longer than I expected it to, but very gradually, that pain settled into waves of grief, coming less frequently, coming less intensely.

But today a wave hit me and it hit hard. Nothing happened that I'm aware of to trigger it, but today has been significantly difficult, like a wave of grief has washed over me.

I don't know much about grief. This is the only instance where I've really experienced it. But I *think* the best thing to do when hit by a wave is just to let it come. I think fighting against it won't help. I think acting on it isn't wise. I think letting it come and then go is probably the best thing to do. So that's what I'm doing. I'm thanking God for the sweet times and trusting Him with the pain and choosing to believe that He works all things together for good.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. -Psalm 27:13